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Last week I received two separate and very special deliveries in the mail, posted from Malaysia, envelopes containing glossy tourist brochures and two complimentary lottery tickets in each. Apparently, I won second prize in both of them, a total of US$380,000. What astounding luck! Second prize in both! And they were completely complimentary. Can you believe it?

Presumably all I would have had to do to claim this (my!) unexpected fortune was to respond directly, give them all my personal identification, bank account details, my PINS, remote access to my home computer, and possibly the life of my first born.

FFS, who the hell gets sucked into these scams? Somebody must, or why else would they spend time, effort and resources in printing and posting the brochures across the globe?

I must admit, I read the A5 quad-folded glossy coloured brochure in its entirety, mainly because I was intrigued at how dreadfully it was written, and how so many paragraphs could be filled with so much pompous and poorly constructed language that actually said nothing.

No, I have not heard of the renowned Taipei 101 (is that an innovative Chinese university course?), nor am I familiar with Taiwan home grown celebrities that have left a huge global impression. I don’t think anyone is actually.

But I am keen to experience their promised best possible ‘essence of quality’ and ‘distinguished level of entertainment’. I so wanted to believe that their ‘objective [is] to pave the way into the new era of the tourism industry for all our distinguished clients and guests’ (whatever the hell that means) and was almost convinced when I read the pithy ‘speech’ by the board of directors. I mean, who doesn’t include one of those in their glossy little holiday brochures to add a bit of extra authenticity?

So, spoiler alert – if you get something in the mail from White Winter Vacations informing you of miraculous, fabulous wealth through an unexpected lottery, it may, just may, possibly be wealth you will never see.

Really, just the front cover featuring the confusing juxtaposition of a tropical island image with a White Winter icicle logo should have been enough to give it away.

Get a real job, scumbags.